It can be very difficult to stand by as someone you care for is being hurt by domestic violence. Although you may disagree with the way she is handling the situation, you must always remember that you are not walking in her shoes.

The most important thing you can offer is support with absolutely no judgment. Survivors of domestic violence are often very hard on themselves. They experience a range of emotions including shame, guilt, fear, anger, sadness, hopelessness and feelings of inadequacy.

Although you are understandably concerned, it is not useful to focus on your disappointment each day that she does not leave. Survivors of domestic violence have already said to themselves everything that you are saying and/or thinking. Offer support by reminding her of her strengths, helping her identify options for staying safe and giving her credit for moving forward at her own pace.

You can also offer support by gathering information. Call your local domestic violence program to learn of options and ideas that you can pass along. You can find the contact numbers in the blue pages of your telephone directory or on the Internet.

Sometimes, it is just being there that matters most. Isolation is a very prominent feature of domestic violence. Survivors are often cut off from friends and family thus allowing the batterer to deepen efforts at exerting power and control. The isolation can spring from multiple directions:

From the perpetrator who may become hostile each time friends/family are present.

From the survivor who may isolate herself in shame.

From friends/family who may be frightened for their safety or frustrated that the survivor does not respond as they believe she should.

It is important that you continue to be involved in her life in whatever ways that you can. It is more difficult to leave a violent relationship when you have few or no resources or support.

Regardless of what it looks like, she is doing the very best she can in this moment. Surviving domestic violence is such a departure from the happily ever after we imagine. It takes time to part with your dreams and reconcile with reality. Be a friend by being patient throughout this process.