Caregivers are important

TLyme disease diagnosis is not the end of your life. That applies to being a caregiver of a Lyme patient, too. But it does mean experiencing your marriage from a different angle. Realize that your viewpoint is very important to success.

On the fourth of July, fireworks exploded around the neighborhood, bottle rockets in the night sky, firecrackers and fountain added sudden noises to the mix. Paul, our four year old son, stayed up late that night to enjoy the color explosions all through the sky. Darryl lit rocket after rocket as we "oooh'd" and "aaaah'd."

In the distance a terrible noise slowly approached the fence row north of the house. It didn't sound like a dog howling, it couldn't be a cat growling. It wasn't like any animal I ever heard! Darryl and I quietly discussed it as the noise got closer.

Grabbing the small flashlight; I walked through the side yard. The heavy darkness quickly engulfed the small light. The scary noise moved across the yard. What could make such a vicious noise? Awful images played through my mind. I ran back to the patio, grabbed Paul and whisked him into the house as we formulated a plan. We decided it must be an injured raccoon or possibly a rabid one. Darryl reached for a pistol and I grabbed a spotlight, adrenaline pumping, we weren't taking any chances. My job was to shine the spotlight on it and Darryl would shoot it.

We crept slowly across the yard as the noise continued very pained and angry. Darryl led the way; I was just slightly behind. Paul stood in the door, watching his mom and dad creep through the backyard with instruments of doom clenched in hand. Fear in his eyes, he pleaded with us to hurry back.

The noise remained stationary for a moment and we quickly approached. I said, "Are you ready?" Darryl replied, "Okay." I aimed the spotlight. He aimed the gun. The growling, the snarling...The adrenaline, the images of horror...

Only it came from a scared lost puppy, separated from his litter, terrified of the noise, the fireworks. So afraid, and the dog was, too!

The images of something horrible out there threatening to eat us alive was in our minds. We thought we knew what that growling, shadowy image was, and we reacted to the danger. That cute scared, little puppy, who is now our faithful pet named Zeke, became a snarling, rabid raccoon in our minds and we reacted to it, almost shooting him out of fear.

We still laugh about this story in our family, but do you realize that this can happen with people in our lives. The way we think about someone is who they become to us. This is true in caregiving. The way you think about your spouse is who they become to you. Do you still see your spouse as capable? Lyme disease eats at a person's life. Illness causes a loss of potential. Many former activities are no longer possible to accomplished.

My husband, a formerly outdoorsy, gregarious person, became a man sitting alone in his recliner flipping mindlessly through television channels. I saw the loss of potential and I focused on that loss. Darryl became the person who "couldn't walk much anymore", so I left him home when I went to the store, "couldn't sleep at night" so I slept alone, "couldn't take out the garbage anymore," so I did all the chores myself, "couldn't get up in the morning," so I was responsible for the children.

I worked alone, I slept alone, I did chores alone, and I raised kids alone. And I alone became resentful. I chose to focus on the loss, but failed to realized that the man I loved was still in there, longing to be that person again for me. Because of this insidious illness, Darryl could not change, but I could. Was I willing to change the way I thought about him in my head? Was I willing to change my perception to again see him as a capable and loving?

I did change, and you can too. You must begin by changing your mind and your thoughts.

First, tell yourself every day that you love and appreciate this person. I'm sure that sounds strange. Instead, shouldn't I vow to tell Darryl everyday that I love him? No. Words are a useless shifting air unless actions correspond to the words. I'm the one who needed to remember how much I loved my husband. I needed to remember how blessed I am to have a wonderful husband like Darryl, who works hard and loves his family. Every time I hugged Darryl, I repeated over and over in my head, "I am so blessed to have Darryl as my husband." Day after day I did this and before long, I acted like a person blessed to be married my mate. Shifting my perspective from feeling like he should feel blessed to have me to realizing that I am the one who is blessed changed my life and marriage. Did I wait for Darryl to change? No. I changed my attitude by changing my thoughts.

Second, decided not to be so efficient all the time. You don't have to be all sufficient in all things. Find a place for your spouse to shine. Darryl is very good at mechanics. When one of our sons would ask me a question, I sent him to Darryl for the answer. That also helped to change my children's perspective of their father. As they began to see him as capable and intelligent, they began spending more time with their dad, and their relationship improved.

Third, seek activities that you can enjoy together. Maybe it's just a dinner out, or renting a movie. you both enjoy. Spend time together outside the realm of illness, as friends, partners and lovers. See your spouse as desirable and fun to spend time with.

Sometimes an ill spouse acts more like a snarling raccoon - when they are hungry, angry, lonely and lost - but in reality they are a scared, lovable puppy who got separated from their family and they are looking for the pathway back to safety. Grant your special person that path. It is within your abilities to give it. The way you think about them is who they become to you. It is your choice!